Hey guys..having thoughts of sex that you are ashamed of???

© Andrea Herber 2013 All rights reserved

Guys…do you think about sex…but not in the way you think you should?

Do you:

• Feel some weirdness about all the sex you have or don’t have?
• Feel shame, guilt or emptiness after you have it?
• Feel like you should want it with the one you love but its more wild with a stranger?
• Hold secret fears about sex that you can’t talk about with your friends because they think you are so cool?

If so …you have come to the right place!!

I hear tons and tons of stories from men…many have been having sex a long time. Many feel unfulfilled and empty. Many don’t realize the way they hold their sexuality can be traumatic in ways that are not usually talked about. They think that they are supposed to want sex and a lot of it, and feel like vulnerability and feelings make them less masculine. Those that have lots of opportunites hear their friends egg them on….so they force themselves to “be a man and do it,” rather than owning their  feelings of not really wanting to because  they fear there is something wrong with them for not wanting to have sex at every opportunity.

Later in life…they learn that “being a man” has more to do with attending to their authentic feelings and vulnerability, and protecting themselves by not being afraid to be honest.

Young men want sex. It is true. They have lots of it when they can…mostly.

Sometimes they watch too much porn flooding their brains with dopamine which then makes it hard for them to engage in the live act itself..since they require more and more visual stimulation to get aroused. They masturbate too much and make sensation change during the real thing. The excess dopamine that floods their brain  literally changes their relationship with sex. This creates a viscious cycle that leads to feelings of failure and avoidance.

Straight men have told me it is hard for them to share their true feelings about women and they can’t talk about the “shallow” sex with their friends. While there are times that men enjoy as much shallow sex as possible, as they grow emotionally,  they often get tired of it and find emptiness instead. Some gay men have told me it is hard to find authentic relationships without feeling like they have to have sex first, ” I don’t really want to  have sex right away..but it is expected and grinder is a way to meet people too, so I hope that the real relating can happen after the sex.”

Men  have not been shown that they can have an emotional life that is healthy and balanced and if they have…they have definitely been shown they need to hide it from  male counterparts or risk being teased and humiliated.

Premature sexuality stops you from growing some of the emotional stuff that makes sex healthy. I am not saying you cannot enjoy a one- night stand or two. I am saying you need to understand how you truly feel before you do.

Many will smirk at this article…but if  you look deep inside you will know what I am saying is true.

You need to feel emotionally ready to have sex…one nighter or otherwise…

SO how can you grow emotional readiness when you are exposed to hard core sex and have a rush of hormones that make you just want to jump in and do?

The fact that so many are jumping in is creating a nation of people who will never understand what true intimacy or commitment are…they will feel empty, and will throw away connection after connection..many times for the wrong reasons.

© Andrea Herber 2013 All rights reserved