Better Couples Communication: 8 Rules to prevent fights from destroying your relationships

Copyright © 2014 by Andrea Herber    

In my fifteen years providing couples and individual therapy, I have noticed that one of the most telling signs of relational health is the way people communicate during a fight or disagreement.

Learning how to deal with conflict is essential in any long term relationship. Negative nasty fights destroy trust, love and self esteem. Over time this builds resentment, and people feeling worthless and unhappy. Badly handled conflict can also at times send people to seek comfort elsewhere. If they feel unappreciated, resentful or lonely they turn to emotional affairs, infidelity or develop desires to leave the relationship. Learning how to communicate prevents this.

The following quick tips can truly help you to protect your relationship.

Notice if there is a pattern ( or triggers) that define the times you are more likely to escalate negatively? Is it a time of day or particular topic? Take note and catch the conflict brewing and stop it then!

1. Don’t discuss difficult topics at imperfect times. There are times one person wants to settle an argument and the other wants to leave. Learn to respect one another and wait till things calm down to process your conflict.
2. Define a time in a week or day when you can talk about these things. Couples can learn their preferred way of doing things, for example, some like having a book of problems where they write down their issues to one another and others have a defined process time on a particular day.
3. Notice how conflict manifests in your body prior to the fight. Do you have tensed fists, clenched jaws,  or a feeling of nagging annoyance?
4. Learn to say “Honey I am starting to feel annoyed…I don’t know why yet but lets stop talking about this because I need to calm down” or “I don’t want to say something I regret so I am going to leave for a minute to calm down.”
5. Now this is a huge one…Do not use blaming language like “you always “ or “ you make me” …..instead use “I” language like “ I felt ignored when you didn’t invite me.”Notice when you are using exaggerated blame…”you never tell me you love me”…that is likely untrue hopefully..rather say “ I haven’t heard you say you love me and I miss that.”Blaming language results in what I call “communication deafness”..people turn off, feel bad and stop putting forth effort. Catch your partner being positive, ie. thank them for stopping what they are doing to hear your concern.
6. Work for the good of the “we” vs the “I”: Often in an argument people’s needs polarize and it turns into an unproductive I vs YOU argument. Try to remember that healthy relating is about BOTH peoples happiness. This will remind you to empathize instead of blaming. Honor that sometimes we make many negative assumptions of our partner’s behaviors, ie.“you were selfish and left me at the party all alone” instead you could say,“Honey I know you haven’t seen your friends in ages but next time could you be mindful that I am not that comfortable in that group and include me more?” 
7. Don’t bring in past conflicts and issues: This is a huge one..I always hear from people “we were arguing about the mess in the kitchen and then it became about the time I forgot her birthday”….It is unproductive to counter an issue your spouse is having with another issue you have with them, or insulting them with another example from the past that you may have already discussed. The point of a disagreement is to discuss and clarify and resolve an issue, not create more nasty emotion to keep the fight going. I call this the foul fling: one doesn’t feel understood so you fling all the foul things from the past and keep the negativity coming to prove that you are entitled to feel the way you do. Instead, use this feeling as a tool that something is clearly wrong. Figure out what it is and then discuss it at a calmer time. If you have a partner that refuses to hear you…it could be a sign of a problem personality and not just communication difficulties.
8. Understand your partners and your own triggers and sensitivities: Remember sadness, feelings of hurt or anger are “old” emotions. Handle them with care. If you know your spouse is sensitive to criticism resist critical language. If you know you are sensitive to criticism…own that sometimes you may be too sensitive and let the issue go. Owning your fault in disagreements is hugely beneficial. I always say if you are with someone that is NEVER wrong..that is not a healthy relationship and that person needs to examine themselves.

I hope these tools are helpful…please consider getting help for bad communication. Learn how to communicate BEFORE the wedding!!! 

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