Pornography: Sexual Liberation or the Intimacy Virus?

© Andrea Herber 2013 All rights reserved

As you read the following…please note that these are my casual thoughts flowing from experience and the knowledge I have gained…I am not giving you a perfectly edited journal article or essay for that matter 🙂

I understand that pornography can have a place in healthy sexuality, but only if it is built on a foundation of healthy relational intimacy. If people are given the chance to relinquish their innocence in a gradual way, (not prematurely) this enables them to engage in healthy sexual liberation down the road. 

It is healthy for people to play and to share their fantasies and fetishes. Some will do so in a committed relationship; and some will be present during the voyage of experimentation and self-discovery. 

Today, however  there is less chance to experience anything other than a premature, over stimulating, hard-core introduction to sex. Young brains experience this introduction with life-like images as though it were “happening”. 

It is not surprising that I am getting more and more calls from young men and women struggling with sexual anxiety, and the dreaded secret of their  innocence or fear of failure. Their brains are flooded with sexual images  that portray a skewed view of intimacy and sex. They are catching “the intimacy virus.”  Young men lose the innocence of first love and fantasy to fears that they should have giant penises and choke their lovers. I hear them interpreting their innocence as dysfunction, because they no longer feel “the right” to fumble sweetly or tremble at the sight of a bare breast. Innocence is dying. The fantasies and the fetishes are all coming before the floundering, the wondering, and the mystery.

There are other complications from too much pornography exposure. I have seen many more young men struggling with erectile dysfunction and complaining about difficulty staying attracted to their partners. Research has shown that watching lots of erotic images floods the brain with so much dopamine that it makes it difficult for real images to arouse enough to maintain an erection or climax. The pleasure centers of the brain are numbed, so the actual addiction to pornography causes the physical dysfunction. Additionally, the fixation on sex without the foundation of healthy relating can lead to men focusing too much on the physical objectified images of women, and glorifying instant gratification and multiple relationships. They can also become anxious when they fail to achieve an erection and the psychological erectile dysfunction cycle is born. Young men sometimes fall into daily or prolonged use of pornography, unaware that they may be addicted to it..and unaware of the damage all that dopamine is doing. Luckily it is possible to combat the addiction and the erectile dysfunction that may develop.  Withdrawal symptoms often include increased anxiety, difficulty sleeping, decreased concentration, panic and despair.

Women whose partners use porn have reported decreased self-esteem and happiness levels.  They tell me they often feel pressured to writhe and moan and PLEASE …and also to fulfill the image of the perfectly coiffed vagina. Many have little sexual confidence, and constantly compare themselves to the flawless women on the screen that can satisfy the raw human urge. Countless young women have told me they didn’t enjoy sex but knew how to perform like porn stars when losing their virginity. Many describe the retrospective understanding of how emotionally unready they were. “But I wanted to be wanted and please like the porn star”.

In my years working with people and their sexual and intimate lives…I have traversed much territory. Those with dysfunction (eg.  sexual addictions, fear of getting close to someone else, or maintaining a long term relationship) in a real and problematic way always have had one example of a moment of premature, over stimulating exposure to sexual content or abuse. The easy access to pornography at young ages leads me to ask the question… Could we be raising a nation of future sex addicts? Will we have a pandemic of the “the intimacy virus?” Will it be the norm to fear intimacy, or throw away the aging body? Will making love always be intertwined with the objectification and distance that this early exposure brings?

Today it is even more important for parents to learn how to teach the lessons that healthy intimacy requires. Recently a private school principal shared his experience observing the answer a child gave to a class discussion of stereotypes of public vs private schools. The girl stated that her public school friends were more active sexually in a physical way but did not have the words to talk about their sexuality or were avoidant and awkward when questioned about sexual physicality. She went on to say that her private school (specific to her very small school that focused on the emotional health of their students) friends were more “immature,” still had younger interests, weren’t as active sexually but were better able to talk about sexuality and address the questions. Obviously this is not all private schools…this would be yet another stereotype. However,  this was only one child’s answer to the question, which was interesting as it truly shows the difference a small school environment that welcomes thoughtful discussion about intimacy and sexuality,  and encourages kids knowing themselves can make.

Healthy sexuality can only exist on a foundation and establishment of healthy  relational intimacy. Healthy intimacy cannot occur when kids of 9 are watching porn or listening to their peers fixate on subjects they truly don’t understand or know the impact of.  We need to vaccinate our children with knowledge so that they don’t get “the intimacy virus”, and help them to reclaim their right to innocence and healthy relating and sexuality.  Adults need to know if they have the “intimacy virus”,  that they can get help.  

If you prefer “doing the nasty” to “making love’” to someone you have known longer than a year…sure there are lots of variables..but likely…you too may be a victim to some of this intimacy virus…and unfortunately it takes a lot of journeying to undo all this…and many don’t even try. 

© Andrea Herber 2013 All rights reserved