The impact of perfectionism on you and your relationships

I remember listening to a young man I worked with…he was handsome and very smart. I will give him a fictional name of John for this article. He did well at college, and had many friends and dating possibilities…and yet he never felt a sense of accomplishment. He never got the boost others get from doing something well. His self-esteem was not what it ought to be and did not get bolstered by completing an assignment well or winning a soccer game. Why? He was a perfectionist. Perfectionists feel it is important that they achieve perfect success in every detail of their lives, and they usually have a daily list with totally unrealistic expectations. They cannot tolerate making mistakes and they allow failure to totally obliterate their entire worth as a being. They put way too much emphasis on what others think of them and their entire worth depends on their meeting their unrealistic expectations of accomplishment, which of course is impossible. So they are overly critical and nasty to themselves, which results in feelings of worthlessness.

John’s perfectionism led him on a roller coaster journey of feeling enormously stressed when he thought of upcoming deadlines. When he completed the deadlines he would feel relief and fatigue instead of a feeling of pride and accomplishment. He suffered from a horrid fear of failure. Failure to him meant depression and a sense of having failed as an entire human being. He strove for physical perfection too, despite being very fit and well-built. This unfortunately never brought him true self-esteem. He would get very annoyed when his friends commented on how “lucky” he was for looking the way he did and getting the attention he did. Deep down inside he felt like an imposter, and a failure.

This nasty cycle impacted his relationships too. He could never feel happy with a woman. It didn’t matter how seemingly wonderful she may be, he over analyzed so many aspects of a relationship that eventually he would reject it. He was, like many perfectionists very competitive. There were times he gave up things he was passionate about because he was afraid to fail or thought he couldn’t do it perfectly. He wouldn’t share is feelings of vulnerability with me for quite a time, and never shared his feelings of inadequacy with his friends or family. This resulted in him living with somewhat “superficial” connections and not being able to grow the depth that forms satisfying intimacy. He pushed people away because he felt the situation or his ability to deal with it was not perfect enough. He also, like most perfectionists what a horrid procrastinator. If he got too stressed he would avoid doing things that would bring him joy. He may not call that girl he had a wonderful date with. He had a hard time understanding that healthy relationships need two people who can become better for one another. His perfectionism led to him tolerating a narrow “safe” life, and feeling the frustration of not meeting his potential.

He needed to learn that imperfections were opportunities for growth, and failure was actually a testament to trying to grow and attain. He learned that making mistakes are an integral part of learning, and that humans are all imperfect. I taught him to understand the anxiety that came with his fear of failure. With some cognitive behavioral methods he was able to quiet that inner critic, and to set more realistic goals. The best question he learned to ask was, “who decides what perfect is? What gives that person the right to decide for all people? Is perfect the same definition for all humans?”